Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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