You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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