i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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