1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
