Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
