I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We left the knife in your bed.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
