I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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