Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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