I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
