New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
