just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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