was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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