yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
