she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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