I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
