We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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