You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
