My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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