Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
