I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
