Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
