dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
