I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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