Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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