Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
