Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
