Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
