do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
