Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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