Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
