I looked at my own cervix.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dignity is for republicans.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
