Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
