Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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