she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I looked at my own cervix.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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