Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
