God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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