I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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