6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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