so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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