Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
