I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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