Will you blow on my dice?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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