is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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