Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
if only i could text you this smell
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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