I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Shame - the story of my life.
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