why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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