There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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