Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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