he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
