i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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