There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You don't make any sense
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