i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
