I'm really into asian looking animals
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
