So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
